Call to parents... Is it really that hard?

Here is a question for all of you parents out there.... Is it really that hard? I know too many parents that can't seem to understand why their children act the way they do, cause the problems they cause, or say the things they say. Yet to me, it's plain and simple. THEY ARE LOOKING AT YOU AS ROLE-MODELS!!! They look to their community, and friends, and siblings, and even (gasp) their parents for guidance. Let me break in down with an example...

When your son mentions offhandedly a rumor about a girl he knows to a friend, and glances over at you (his father,brother,mentor,etc) He is studying your response. Do you laugh at his joke, or do you scold him. Do you ignore the attitude, or do you give the subtlest "I disagree with your ill mention?" face. He doesn't necessarily believe the rumor, but he is looking to mimic your response. If you are proud of and congratulate his sexual conquests, he will generally see womanizing as a positive activity. If you make comments like, "Not that you could get some anyway." He will see it as a challenge. If you ignore his need for help with homework, then he will begin to believe either that he must do everything himself, or that it must not be worth doing.

Encourage him to pursue challenging things. Even if you both know he will likely fail at it, it is the attempt that will be its biggest reward. He will not be fearful of trying new things.

Here are a few absolutely do not do's:
Do not swear in front of your kids, at any age. (18+ is probably ok)
Do not encourage your kids to retaliate, or make any comment about getting back at someone.
Do not encourage needless killing of animals (hunting for sport is ok if you plan to eat it)
Do not call your son names other then friendly ones like buddy, pal, sonny, etc.
Do not get mad at him for making mistakes. Mistakes are a part of the natural learning process.
Do not scold him for doing the right thing in a wrong way. or take it away to show him the "correct way"
Do not attempt to manipulate, bribe, or deceive your son. Kids are impeccable lie detectors and will adapt these traits too.
Do not focus only on negative reinforcement. Instead of "If you don't clean your room you wont get to watch TV" say, "If you finish cleaning your room, you will get to watch TV"
(on a related note, you should generally avoid using TV, videogames, and other similar activities as rewards)

One of the biggest kickers is the time you spend with your child. Coming home from work after a long day, followed by a few hours on the couch whilst your kids are left to themselves is not parenting. Coming home to a little tyke with a warm smile, a huge hug, and maybe even a story about how you had to defeat the evil troll and save a princess on your way home (obviously for the younger kids) will not only bring joy to your kids, but also rejuvenate you more then you would ever expect.

Did you ever notice that parents who are proactive and engaged with their kids are generally more happy, seem to have more free time, and their kids behave better? Anyone is capable of it, you just need to know how to read your own kids. To take the time to truly understand them.

Some may be saying, "Well I tried to talk to my son, but he just won't listen." or "My son doesn't tell me anything about whats going on." Well how about this...

Start by having him sit down in a place that he is comfortable in, sit down on the floor and make the setting casual, and simply explain that you want to know whats going on in his life...all the details, the good the bad, and they ugly. Explain that you will not get mad, angry, etc. that you simply want him to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems. He may refuse and say, "I'm Fine!!" or (most likely) will give you an eye roll. Here is a news flash.... He is not fine... there is no such thing as fine in a young boys life. There are different stages of awesome, and exciting, and boring, and frustrated but there is no 'fine'.

Now simply tell him, "I want to listen to what you have to say...." and then shut up. Adults tend to think that they have more patience then their kids... this may be true in a dentist's office, but this is not true when it comes to "spilling the beans" just sit, and truly listen. Even if he doesn't say a word, spend the time waiting by reading his face. As his thoughts run through his head, he will display them like a silent movie. Its rather amusing to watch on more expressive children. Sometimes they will struggle with something that they think they shouldn't tell you... (this usually exhibits with a slight pursing of the lips and a downwards glace to one side.) Sometimes they will feel like you are invading their personal space (an eye roll) but sometimes you will get lucky.... they will decided that your resolve is greater then theirs, and will spill the beans. (they will typically breath in slightly and pinch their lips inwards) NOTE: these will not always happen, just some trends that I have noticed.

Now if they do begin talking, let them go wild. Be polite, don't interrupt, absolutely DO NOT get mad if they tell you something that they did wrong in the past. Berating them or yelling at them now will only damage their trust in you, rather then fix the problem. Discipline must be exacted without anger, and only at the time of occurrence to be effective. If they share personal stories that they find embarrassing, don't laugh at them, but show that it is something that you can laugh with them about. and absolutely do not EVER use sarcasm! Most children see sarcasm in a serious situation as being cruel, shaming, or rude. They will not trust you very much if you do.

During this time, you need to feel comfortable with them. If you are not comfortable, they will not be. (remember what I said about kids mimicking their parents behavior? This is often sub-conscious)

If they simply will not talk to you (you may be sitting there for 30+ minutes) then explain to them that you are happy they spent that time with you, and that you truly care how they are doing and that they can come to you with ANYTHING. (and this SHOULD be the case) Although you may not feel like you have gotten much out of this, especially if he didn't share much of anything with you... you have certainly given him a lot. Just knowing that you will be there for him, no matter what it takes, and that you are willing to spends lots of time simply being in his presence, will help him grow to respect you.

Often there are lots of walls that kids (boys especially) put up from neglect. And I'm not talking about the putting a child in a cage and feeding them dogfood kind. I am talking about the neglect of their need for guidance. Neglect of their desire to spend quality productive time with their parents, and neglect of their needs to just be with someone.... even if not even a single word is muttered.

(so that was a long one)

If you are having trouble reaching your son, find a GOOD role-model for him. Basically think of all the older kids you know (a relative's son, a neighbor, etc.) Look for traits like being a hard worker, respecting others, general friendliness, courteousness, etc. Now the question (an fear for most) is how do you approach them. One thing people fear is, "What if they might abuse my child?" This will most likely not happen. Remember that the number of child abusers is VERY small compared to the population at large. Have monitored public visits if this makes you more comfortable. Take them to the park and hang out with a friend and chat while they sit alone over on the swings. Your son needs positive extra-familiar role-models too. All to often they will ignore you just because you are their parent. having that role-model confirm your values to your child will go a long way to helping them develop theirs. I'll discuss more on the importance of a same-sex extra-familiar role-model at a later time.


I will likely be writing a lot more about this subject in the coming weeks. It has been on my mind a lot recently and I strongly believe fixing these issues is the first step to improving our overall society. For the next blog topic, "The crushing force of feminism on the health and well being of boys"

Little Missouri River National Grasslands Campsite

Medora, ND: Almost Home

I've drove for nearly 18 hours since yesterday and decided to make my last stop before home a slightly longer one. That is where Medora, ND comes in. A small town, filled with historic shops, and more tourists then residents...
Medora has a surprising amount to offer. A massively expensive (but still delicious) pizza at the Badlands Pizza Parlor Saloon, and a Wicked Cheap cinnamon roll (which was larger then my pizza) filled my gut to the brim. Its an agreeable place, with amazing cellular coverage for North Dakota's standards (using cellular tethering to my laptop right now) and despite the blistering 110 degree weather, feels like a great place to go camping. Still on the agenda is a 2.5 mile hike with camp gear in tow, maybe a free musical tonight, and a campfire with strangers. There are a few cautions I've been given... don't bother the prairie dogs (they don't like strangers) and watch out for yellow rattlesnakes. Hopefully I will get some swim time in tonight before bed. I have a solid 8 hours to go tomorrow.

A few interesting sights along the way:
Flocks of birds playing chicken with my care (some didn't win)
prairie dogs watching as cars zoomed by (considerably more cautious then the birds)
Giant plastic Jelly beans at Cowboy Lyle's Candy and Western Wear
a Traffic jam with cows
A Tree growing out of the road
rudimentary weather machines
amazing sunrise and sunset in Montana
windmill blades trucking down the highway
an old lady that flew passed me on the highway (I was going 85!)
Crop dusters flying too close for comfort
Joey "O" the Acrobatic Golf Comedian

Lets see what tomorrow has in store!

A Fond Farewell to Seattle Summer - Skatepark

Woodland Skate-park is one of the many amazing skate-parks in the Seattle area. But it was a whole lot more than that to me. I met some of the coolest people, smartest kids, and learned so much myself. I spent a large amount of time there, whether I was rollerblading, slack-lining, running rails, or just hanging out. I cleared over 5 feet of cones on rollerblades, taught over 80 people how to slackline, but most importantly, it became a large part of my experience while I was here and I am glad that it happened. The best part about it was the people that I encountered. I met new friends for life (Brennan) there, ones to teach me a thing or two about life, and others for me to teach. I became part of a small community of people that are out to have fun, enjoy life, and stay out of trouble. One group especially stood out. Although only 12-14, these kids understood many of the simple mistakes that even adults make. They don't smoke, don't drink, and don't do any drugs, unlike many kids their age are trending towards. It was really about enjoying a common interest (skating) and having fun through the summer.

Joe, Tim, Paul, Amara, Garrett, Liam, Silver, Tino, Taylor, Andrew, Tyler, and all the others, you are all good kids, try and stay out of trouble!

My webcam phone intergration

Travel Again, maybe?

As I have been waiting for a while to hear about the various positions that I have applied for, I came up with the solution for my lack of something to do over the next month.

Ever since my first visit to Europe about 9 years ago, I have been fascinated with the continient. Even to the extent that on many an occasion, I don't really feel American. I don't care about many of the things Americans do, I prefer the atmosphere of the outdoor shops and pubs, rather then the flourescent rigid structures you see in the majority of the United States.

Now, with a little time to spare, and a shockingly low travel cost (750 dollars round trip to Europe rather then 450 dollars round trip to Minnesota. I just might be ready to go back. You may be wondering if this is wise, considering it is in the "off" season. But in fact, that is exactly why I am going. I want to visit the people, as much as the places. In the off season, I will have the chance to get the real perspective of what europe is like, without having to battle the crowds.

Now cost may seem like an issue, but it really is not. I will be couchsurfing the entire time. My rail pass is going to be unlimited travel for 1 month, so even if i decide to change itineraries, it wont affect my cost, and because it is the off season, it will be incredibly cheaper.

I plan to keep a weblog of the entire journey, so you should see way more posts across the next month. Until then, happy reading.

Last post, Continued...

I didn't have enough time, or desire to jot everything down from the last few months all at once, but I have a few min so here is the update, part 2.

I got the droid for Xmas, yay. That's mostly it, a few nice things from my niece and nephew, and my sister pitched in for some nice suits a while back, but I must say.... best gift ever.(at least this time around) I am practically obsessed with this phone, to the extent of boasting as if I were the phone myself. It has lead me to the conclusion, however, that I need to seriously be working on my Contacts overhaul. I am through A and B, and have over 1000 contacts to go through left. It's going to take a while.

On a completely unrelated note, Before the winter break, I made a stuffed animal bear for the unborn daughter of a family I work for. They didn't seem to think that I made it, and still refer to it as "the bear TJ 'CLAIMS' he made." Their beautiful daughter was born right before my break. She was a little early, but had hair about 4 inches long already.

On a somewhat tangentially related note, I have begun working with yet another family to teach their kids various things. For lack of a better term, I refer to it as being a 'Universal Tutor.' For the first day, we even built a paper machee volcano, and learned about geometry, plate tektonics, volcanoes themselves, a bit of history(read:pompeii) and a bit about arts... it has been going well so far, but I will be leaving in a few weeks to go on Co-op so Monday will be my last day. ;(

This next note isn't even on the same sheet of paper. I have officially begun my application process for the Peace Corp. It takes at least a year to complete, and even then it is not a guaranteed. I think I will really enjoy doing that, however. Even if its not right now. My goal is to head over the great big ocean to Thailand (that is the Pacific for those of you needing a refresher on your geography) although I really am not that picky, other then not wanting to go to Africa because of the dry weather. I really don't want to go someplace that is frigid over half the year either. As I was looking up on youtube the MTV Cribs equivalent of PC volunteers' homes, I really started to see in perspective. I am quite ashamed now of what I see in my own room. I have so much crap, that it overflows into other rooms in the house. I am slowly working on trimming that back, so I don't feel so over consuming.

There are quite a few things going on with my future now so I had to do some serious planning.

So basically the breakdown is this:
If I have a full time job established before I graduate, I will go and do that.
If I get a job in california, I am going to try and get my masters at stanford.
If I get a job elsewhere, I am going to try and get my teaching degree also.
If I do not get a good, solid job, then I will work hard to try and get into the peace corp, and do that for 24-27 months.

I should mention, that this is just a tentative outline, and may in no way resemble what I end up doing. Just saying.

So that pretty much catches all of you up to date. I know I've said this before, but I will try to write more often. Maybe, just maybe, I will even get some followers?