Here is a question for all of you parents out there.... Is it really that hard? I know too many parents that can't seem to understand why their children act the way they do, cause the problems they cause, or say the things they say. Yet to me, it's plain and simple. THEY ARE LOOKING AT YOU AS ROLE-MODELS!!! They look to their community, and friends, and siblings, and even (gasp) their parents for guidance. Let me break in down with an example...
When your son mentions offhandedly a rumor about a girl he knows to a friend, and glances over at you (his father,brother,mentor,etc) He is studying your response. Do you laugh at his joke, or do you scold him. Do you ignore the attitude, or do you give the subtlest "I disagree with your ill mention?" face. He doesn't necessarily believe the rumor, but he is looking to mimic your response. If you are proud of and congratulate his sexual conquests, he will generally see womanizing as a positive activity. If you make comments like, "Not that you could get some anyway." He will see it as a challenge. If you ignore his need for help with homework, then he will begin to believe either that he must do everything himself, or that it must not be worth doing.
Encourage him to pursue challenging things. Even if you both know he will likely fail at it, it is the attempt that will be its biggest reward. He will not be fearful of trying new things.
Here are a few absolutely do not do's:
Do not swear in front of your kids, at any age. (18+ is probably ok)
Do not encourage your kids to retaliate, or make any comment about getting back at someone.
Do not encourage needless killing of animals (hunting for sport is ok if you plan to eat it)
Do not call your son names other then friendly ones like buddy, pal, sonny, etc.
Do not get mad at him for making mistakes. Mistakes are a part of the natural learning process.
Do not scold him for doing the right thing in a wrong way. or take it away to show him the "correct way"
Do not attempt to manipulate, bribe, or deceive your son. Kids are impeccable lie detectors and will adapt these traits too.
Do not focus only on negative reinforcement. Instead of "If you don't clean your room you wont get to watch TV" say, "If you finish cleaning your room, you will get to watch TV"
(on a related note, you should generally avoid using TV, videogames, and other similar activities as rewards)
One of the biggest kickers is the time you spend with your child. Coming home from work after a long day, followed by a few hours on the couch whilst your kids are left to themselves is not parenting. Coming home to a little tyke with a warm smile, a huge hug, and maybe even a story about how you had to defeat the evil troll and save a princess on your way home (obviously for the younger kids) will not only bring joy to your kids, but also rejuvenate you more then you would ever expect.
Did you ever notice that parents who are proactive and engaged with their kids are generally more happy, seem to have more free time, and their kids behave better? Anyone is capable of it, you just need to know how to read your own kids. To take the time to truly understand them.
Some may be saying, "Well I tried to talk to my son, but he just won't listen." or "My son doesn't tell me anything about whats going on." Well how about this...
Start by having him sit down in a place that he is comfortable in, sit down on the floor and make the setting casual, and simply explain that you want to know whats going on in his life...all the details, the good the bad, and they ugly. Explain that you will not get mad, angry, etc. that you simply want him to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems. He may refuse and say, "I'm Fine!!" or (most likely) will give you an eye roll. Here is a news flash.... He is not fine... there is no such thing as fine in a young boys life. There are different stages of awesome, and exciting, and boring, and frustrated but there is no 'fine'.
Now simply tell him, "I want to listen to what you have to say...." and then shut up. Adults tend to think that they have more patience then their kids... this may be true in a dentist's office, but this is not true when it comes to "spilling the beans" just sit, and truly listen. Even if he doesn't say a word, spend the time waiting by reading his face. As his thoughts run through his head, he will display them like a silent movie. Its rather amusing to watch on more expressive children. Sometimes they will struggle with something that they think they shouldn't tell you... (this usually exhibits with a slight pursing of the lips and a downwards glace to one side.) Sometimes they will feel like you are invading their personal space (an eye roll) but sometimes you will get lucky.... they will decided that your resolve is greater then theirs, and will spill the beans. (they will typically breath in slightly and pinch their lips inwards) NOTE: these will not always happen, just some trends that I have noticed.
Now if they do begin talking, let them go wild. Be polite, don't interrupt, absolutely DO NOT get mad if they tell you something that they did wrong in the past. Berating them or yelling at them now will only damage their trust in you, rather then fix the problem. Discipline must be exacted without anger, and only at the time of occurrence to be effective. If they share personal stories that they find embarrassing, don't laugh at them, but show that it is something that you can laugh with them about. and absolutely do not EVER use sarcasm! Most children see sarcasm in a serious situation as being cruel, shaming, or rude. They will not trust you very much if you do.
During this time, you need to feel comfortable with them. If you are not comfortable, they will not be. (remember what I said about kids mimicking their parents behavior? This is often sub-conscious)
If they simply will not talk to you (you may be sitting there for 30+ minutes) then explain to them that you are happy they spent that time with you, and that you truly care how they are doing and that they can come to you with ANYTHING. (and this SHOULD be the case) Although you may not feel like you have gotten much out of this, especially if he didn't share much of anything with you... you have certainly given him a lot. Just knowing that you will be there for him, no matter what it takes, and that you are willing to spends lots of time simply being in his presence, will help him grow to respect you.
Often there are lots of walls that kids (boys especially) put up from neglect. And I'm not talking about the putting a child in a cage and feeding them dogfood kind. I am talking about the neglect of their need for guidance. Neglect of their desire to spend quality productive time with their parents, and neglect of their needs to just be with someone.... even if not even a single word is muttered.
(so that was a long one)
If you are having trouble reaching your son, find a GOOD role-model for him. Basically think of all the older kids you know (a relative's son, a neighbor, etc.) Look for traits like being a hard worker, respecting others, general friendliness, courteousness, etc. Now the question (an fear for most) is how do you approach them. One thing people fear is, "What if they might abuse my child?" This will most likely not happen. Remember that the number of child abusers is VERY small compared to the population at large. Have monitored public visits if this makes you more comfortable. Take them to the park and hang out with a friend and chat while they sit alone over on the swings. Your son needs positive extra-familiar role-models too. All to often they will ignore you just because you are their parent. having that role-model confirm your values to your child will go a long way to helping them develop theirs. I'll discuss more on the importance of a same-sex extra-familiar role-model at a later time.
I will likely be writing a lot more about this subject in the coming weeks. It has been on my mind a lot recently and I strongly believe fixing these issues is the first step to improving our overall society. For the next blog topic, "The crushing force of feminism on the health and well being of boys"
